Ray Gillette, Tub Detective
by Red Witch
Summary: Bath time means drama time at the Figgis Agency.


**Ray lost the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters in some suds. Just some fun and madness after the events of Krieger's Night Out and Mallory Interrupted. It's time once again for…**

 **Ray Gillette, Tub Detective**

"Ahhhh…." Ray relaxed fully nude in his bathtub. Bubbles were high and fluffy. "This is perfect."

BRRINGG! BRINNNG!

"Perfect…" Ray groaned. "When will I learn to leave my stupid phone out of the bathroom?"

BRRING! BRING!

"I could just let it go to voice mail," Ray thought. "Who am I kidding?" He picked it up from the small stool next to the bathtub.

"Why is it every time I want to take a nice peaceful bath, it's anything **but** peaceful?" Ray groaned as he looked at his phone. "Great."

Ray answered the phone. "What?"

"All right Ray! Was it you?" Archer shouted. "Did you do it?"

"Did I do **what** Archer?" Ray groaned. "You're going to have to be a little more specific."

"Did you tell my Mother about the damn pirates?"

" _Which_ pirates?" Ray asked.

"What do you mean **which pirates**?" Archer shouted. "The god damn pirates in the god damn South Pacific! I mean I know you were unconscious for a quarter of the time there but Jesus Ray…"

"Well there was that pirate themed restaurant way back when we were a spy agency," Ray interrupted. "You know? With that waitress with the hook? And your mother's credit card?"

"Oh that…" Archer said.

"And then there was the ball game where somehow you got tickets to see the Yankees play the Pittsburg Pirates," Ray went on. "But you had to play hooky from work and you got me to cover for you with your mother by setting me up with that cute new guy from accounting. Who by the way turned out to be lousy in bed but it wasn't your fault. So I gave you a pass."

"Oh…right," Archer remembered.

"Then there was that one Halloween where you rented those hookers dressed like pirates who robbed your apartment…" Ray went on. "And then there were the space pirates. And the time…"

"All right! All right!" Archer shouted. "I get it! In hindsight I should have been more specific."

"That's all I'm saying," Ray said. "So what's got you in a tizzy **this time?"**

"The pirates from the South Pacific," Archer said angrily. "You remember? How you faked being paralyzed the first time?"

"After you and Lana nearly got me killed," Ray snapped. "Yes! What about it?"

"Did you tell my mother about me being a pirate king?"

"No I did **not!"** Ray snapped. "Lana paid me a couple thousand bucks to keep my mouth shut so I did!"

"She _did_?" Archer asked.

"Yes!" Ray snapped. "What? You thought I kept quiet out of the goodness of my heart?"

"To be honest…"

"I didn't say anything to your mother about that time!" Ray snapped. "Even though I could say plenty! So what does **that** have to do with anything?"

"Because somehow she found out!" Archer snapped. "I don't know how!"

"Well she was a spy for like over fifty years," Ray remarked. "So odds are…"

"It's not funny Ray!" Archer snapped. "Mother was screaming in my ear so loud I wished my tinnitus was acting up again! Now I don't have an allowance anymore!"

"You still get an allowance?" Ray snorted. "What is it? A quarter?"

"More like a quarter of…" Archer began. "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!"

"Okay calm down," Ray sighed. "Walk me through the whole thing."

"Does that count as phrasing?"

"Do you want my help or not?" Ray snapped.

"Fine," Archer groaned. "I'm watching an old movie at my place."

" **Another** Veronica Deane movie?"

"Shut up!" Archer snapped.

"Which one was it?" Ray asked. "Was it Shanghai Moon again?"

"No," Archer said.

"August Beach?"

"No, no it was a different one I never saw before," Archer said. "I caught it during the middle on the movie channel so I didn't see the beginning. But I was able to follow the story."

"What was it about?"

"Uh Veronica Deane played a femme fatale who was setting up this guy to kill her husband," Archer said. "And she tries to kill him but it doesn't work. They fight on a bridge. She falls off. And then she gets killed by some kind of steamship driven paddle boat. You know the ones like you see in Showboat. But the movie definitely was not Showboat."

"Oh that one," Ray said. "I know that one. It was _Murder On The Mississippi Queen_."

"Typical…" Archer groaned. "Trust you to know **that title!"**

"Excuse me?" Ray said indignantly. "Well if you don't want my help…"

"The point is, one minute I'm watching a movie," Archer interrupted. "The next I get a call from the Evil Queen shrieking in my ear! Said she went out on a dinner with Krieger, Ron and a rat. How the hell did she find out about me being a pirate king?"

"Hang on," Ray interrupted. "You said that your mother and Ron were on a dinner date with _Krieger_?"

"Yeah!" Archer said. "And a rat. And by a rat I mean an actual live rat. Not a figurative one."

"Well your mother might have been on with a figurative one," Ray pointed out. "And I don't mean Ron."

"Wait…What?"

"Your mother called after she went to a restaurant with **Krieger** ," Ray spelled it out for him.

"Ohhhh…." Archer said. "Okay…I get it now. And so will Krieger."

Archer hung up. "Oh I completely accept your apology Archer," Ray said sarcastically. "No, no it's no trouble at all. And you can kiss my ass while you're…Dukes!"

He punched in a number using speed dial. "Hello?" Lana's voice answered. "Who is it?"

"It's Ray Gillette, Tub Detective," Ray told her. "I've called to give you a head's up. Remember the whole mess in the South Pacific with the pirates? And how we agreed to never tell Ms. Archer the truth about her idiot son?"

"She found out," Lana groaned.

"She found out," Ray admitted.

"How?"

"Krieger told her."

" _Krieger?"_ Lana asked. "Wait how would **Krieger** know what happened?"

"How do you **think?"** Ray snapped. "How does _anyone_ in our group know what **everyone else** is doing?"

"Pam!" Lana groaned.

"Three guaranteed forms of communication," Ray said. "Telephone, television, **tell Pam!"**

"I didn't say anything to Pam!" Lana said.

"Well neither did I," Ray said. "But somehow she must have found out. Probably hid her damn feet under the stalls or something."

"But I know I didn't say anything in the ladies' room or…" Lana stopped. "Oh my God! Cyril!"

"What about Cyril?" Ray asked.

"I told Cyril one night at the office while we were…Negotiating some things," Lana said delicately.

"You mean while you were screwing him again," Ray groaned.

"Pam must have overheard us or something," Lana said. "You know? How she loves to listen in!"

"I am aware of that particular quirk of our colleague," Ray said dryly.

"She must have been listening in the night I told Cyril about the whole Pirate King fiasco!" Lana groaned.

"Why would you tell him **that**?" Ray asked.

"Because I was sh…" Lana began. "Sugar Faced and venting my frustration with Archer."

"AJ is in the room with you isn't she?"

"Yeah and I'm really trying not to swear in front of her," Lana groaned. "Anyway I was drunk and…having some…playtime with Cyril."

"I'll bet," Ray snickered.

"Shut up!" Lana groaned. "Anyway I was frustrated…"

"And horny…"

"And it all came out," Lana groaned. "So that's probably how Pam found out! Damn it! I mean…Darn it!"

"Unless…" Ray thought of something.

"Unless what?" Lana asked.

"I don't know but I might have said something while under anesthesia during one of my many…operations," Ray winced. "Or when he tested some of his damn drugs on me."

"WHAT?"

"Krieger says sometimes I mutter things," Ray groaned. "But I didn't say it on purpose!"

"So we're both big mouths," Lana groaned. "So what happened?"

"Apparently Mama Archer was not amused at the news that her son was off playing Pirate King in his Pants," Ray told him. "She cut off his allowance."

"We'll be lucky if that's all she cuts off," Lana groaned.

"I don't think she's going to care that much about us keeping a secret," Ray said. "Besides it was years ago."

"Ray you know as well as I do that Mallory holds onto grudges like pit bulls hold onto a mailman's pants!" Lana snapped. "Remember the Italian Prime Minister?"

"Dukes…" Ray winced. "Well at least she won't kill you. I mean…You are the mother of her grandchild."

"True," Lana said. "You and the others might not be so lucky."

"Double dukes…" Ray groaned.

"I know," Lana groaned. "Now what do we do?"

"I say we get her a big ass bottle of absinthe and hope she blacks out enough to forget everything," Ray said. "Well everything but taking Archer's allowance away."

"It will take more than one bottle to get that bitch to forget anything," Lana groaned.

"Bitch! Bitch!"

"No! NO! NO AJ!" Lana shouted. "Damn it! I mean…AGGGH! I'll call you back Ray!"

Ray laughed as she hung up. "I'm so glad she didn't use my sperm to be the daddy."

RING! RING!

"Speaking of Daddy Issues…" Ray groaned as he answered the phone. "Hello Caller. It's Ray speaking. I'm wearing nothing but a mustache and a smile."

"Do you have to answer the phone like that?" Cyril groaned.

"In the nude?"

"Ray…"

"Just a happy coincidence," Ray snickered. "Having a little tub time."

"How much time do you spend in the bathtub?"

"How much time do **you** spend in **elevators**?" Ray quipped.

"Touché," Cyril groaned. "Anyway I wanted to ask you something. There's this Veronica Deane movie I was watching on TV. I missed the beginning of it and I wanted to know…"

"Murder on the Mississippi Queen."

"How did you know?" Cyril asked. "Were you watching the movie?"

"No, but Archer was," Ray said. "Before his mother called and chewed him out for lying about the whole mess in the South Pacific. With the pirates."

"Really?"

"Yeah, took away his allowance," Ray told him.

"That is funny!" Cyril laughed.

"It's no laughing matter Cyril!" Ray snapped. "Krieger told her! And Ms. Archer has probably put two and two together and realized we all knew!"

"Uh oh…" Cyril gulped.

"Yeah uh oh!" Ray snapped. "Please tell me you have a bottle of absinthe in the office so we can distract her with it so she won't kill us all!"

"Only half a bottle," Cyril gulped. "God I don't want to end up like the Italian Prime Minister."

"Then you'd better go to the store and get a bottle," Ray said. "Get two or three just to be safe."

"Good idea," Cyril said. "Wait how did Krieger find out about it?"

"Pam must have overheard you and Lana talking about it when you were playing Lonely Hearts Club in her office," Ray said.

"Or maybe Pam heard from…" Cyril said nervously. "Someone else?"

"What did you **do?** " Ray asked angrily. "You blabbed didn't you? Who did you tell?"

"I told Cheryl! Well Cherlene technically," Cyril groaned.

"When?" Ray asked.

"I said when she was Cherlene!" Cyril snapped. "Remember the three weeks I was a dictator in San Marcos and threw Archer in the dungeon?"

"Vividly."

"Well somewhere around week two Cherlene comes into my office saying how bored she was and she wanted to cheat on Calderon because her husband wasn't meeting her womanly needs or something," Cyril groaned. "So I thought…"

"You thought you'd screw her on your desk!" Ray groaned.

"Hey! It wasn't like we hadn't done it before!" Cyril snapped. "So we did it again. Apparently stories of Ms. Archer getting screwed figuratively is an incentive for her to get screwed literally."

"And you did," Ray groaned.

Cyril went on. "I may have mentioned the whole pirate thing to her."

" _May have?"_

"Okay definitely," Cyril groaned. "And a few other things. But that's not important right now. Cheryl or whatever her name was then must have told Pam!"

"They do tell each other everything," Ray sighed. "And I mean **everything!** "

"Oh this is bad," Cyril groaned. "Damn Pam and her big mouth!"

" **Her** big mouth?" Ray snapped. "What about **yours?"**

"Hey! I…I…" Cyril stammered. "I only learned about it from Lana who told me! Technically it was her big mouth that spilled the beans! So…I'm just a victim here."

"No, but you **will be,"** Ray groaned. "Good bye Cyril!" He hung up.

"Well tomorrow is going to be a **fun day** at work," Ray groaned as he lay back on his neck rest. His phone rang again. "Speaking of which…"

Ray answered the phone. "Gorgeous, drop dead sexy and the object of all men's desire. But enough about me. How are you?"

"Just chill-axin' bitch!" Pam laughed. "Say Ray. I just saw this movie with Veronica Deane on TV…"

"Murder on the Mississippi Queen."

"I figured you would know **that** one," Pam said. "How did you know that was what I was going to ask?"

"Gay intuition darlin'. Just out of curiosity is Cheryl with you?" Ray asked.

"Yes," Pam said.

"Is she sober?"

"Define sober."

"Never mind," Ray sighed. "Please tell me you two aren't doing anything illegal this time."

"Well not this **exact time…"** Pam said. "If you called an hour earlier…"

"Never mind," Ray groaned. "On second thought I don't want to know! But I do need to talk to you."

"Sounds important."

"It is," Ray said. "How did you find out about the whole Archer being a pirate king incident?"

"Oh that. Krieger told me," Pam said.

"Wait, Krieger told **you** about the whole pirate thing?" Ray was stunned. "How did he know before **you?** "

"I don't know," Pam remarked. "But he did. And listening in on Lana and Cyril confirmed it. And then Cheryl when she was Cherlene back in San Marcos. You know she and Cyril did the dirty on his desk?"

"I'm aware of that," Ray winced. "Are **you** aware that Ms. Archer now knows?"

"I was not," Pam said.

"Krieger blabbed the whole thing about the pirates," Ray explained. "Ms. Archer is on the warpath."

"Yikes. Better bring in a big ass bottle of absinthe tomorrow so she'll drink it and forget."

"She also took away Archer's allowance."

"That is hilarious!" Pam laughed.

"Unfortunately it won't be for us," Ray groaned.

"You worry too much," Pam said. "The old gal is always saying how she's going to burn the place down every time we do something stupid but she never does."

"That's because odds are Cheryl will probably do it for us," Ray pointed out.

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," Pam said. "Odds are Archer will do or say something really stupid and Ms. Archer will focus her anger on him. She's always a bitch to us so nothing much will change there."

"So much for not worrying about it," Ray groaned. "I don't know why but that woman has hated me since day one. And I never did anything to that miserable old bat."

"Oh you know how racist and elitist she is," Pam told him. "She treats all of us like that. Hell she'd have kicked Cheryl to the curb years ago if it wasn't for the fact she's a freaking billionaire."

"I know," Ray said. "But sometimes it feels like she personally goes out of her way to annoy or insult me."

"Ah you're too sensitive," Pam snorted. "You are a bit of a girl that way."

"Jealous that I'm more feminine than you are?"

"Touché asshole," Pam laughed. "Cheryl…Damn it Cheryl! Don't eat the soap! I gotta go! See you Sunshine."

"After while crocodile," Ray said as he hung up. He thought for a moment then made another call. "Hey…"

"Hello!" Krieger answered. "What are you up to?"

"Taking a bath."

"Me too!" Krieger said cheerfully. He was in a bathtub with a glowing Piggly. "You will not believe the day I had."

"Something tells me I would. I gotta ask you something," Ray said.

"Cool! I love questions! Shoot."

"How did you find out about the whole pirate thing?" Ray asked. "And I am referring to the time Archer ran off to be king of the pirates in the South Pacific. Not the baseball game. Or any of the other incidents."

"You mean when Archer was supposed to be held hostage by pirates but turned out he was running the show and screwing pirate whores most of the time?" Krieger asked. "Until the pirates turned on him?"

"Yes."

"Oh that. Archer told me," Krieger said.

" _ **What?"**_ Ray asked, incredulous.

"Yeah," Krieger said. "Shortly after the whole incident Archer was in my lab and he took some alcohol I had and got plastered on it."

"Was this one of your homemade concoctions?" Ray asked.

"Probably," Krieger said. "Any-who Archer just kept talking and talking. I had stuff to do so it was easier to tape him. I should show you the tape one day. It's fascinating the stuff Archer and all of you say when you're under the influence. I made my own TV show out of them. Which I watch sometimes when I get bored."

"Oh dear sweet lord," Ray groaned.

"I call it Krieger's Konfessions," Krieger said. "Confessions with a K obviously."

"Obviously," Ray groaned.

"But I think I should switch it back to a C," Krieger went on. "It just doesn't look right on screen for some reason."

"Krieger what did I say on that tape…?" Ray winced.

"It's not that much about what you said," Krieger said. "You were unconscious and I was working on your bionics. Mostly just some fun exploring the human body. You really do have a fascinating…"

"STOP!" Ray interrupted. "I don't want to know…"

"Honestly yours is the most interesting of the series," Krieger went on. "Not because of what you say which really was nothing I didn't already know. But the workings of your body and your bionics in harmony…"

"Again, didn't want to know!" Ray groaned. "Wait… **Series?"**

"Don't worry about it," Krieger said. "Piggly! No! Give me back that scrub brush! I gotta go! PIGGLY DON'T EAT THE SOAP!"

"That man creeps me out more than a circus full of clowns carrying snakes," Ray shuddered as he turned off his phone.

"And he's still one of my best friends. And that thought is so frightening I could…"

Ray's phone rang. "Drama, drama, drama…" Ray groaned as he rolled his eyes.

"What?" Ray sighed when he realized who called.

"Hang on," Archer spoke. "How did _Krieger…_ "

" **You** told Krieger during one of your blackout drinks," Ray snapped. "Krieger told Pam. Who confirmed it when she listened in on Lana telling Cyril. And Cyril told Cherlene. Who told it to Pam again. And I might have said something during one of my operations when I was drugged. But the point is, you're the one who blabbed **first!** "

"I KNEW IT!" Mallory's voice was heard. "I KNEW IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT STERLING!"

"Mother?" Archer was stunned.

"Ms. Archer?" Ray was stunned. "How…?"

"My **genius son** the detective never hung up on me!" Mallory shouted. "But somehow managed to put me on conference call!"

"The first time?" Archer asked.

"Second time!" Mallory snapped. "Remember two seconds ago I called you to yell at you some more? And you tried to hang up on me?"

"Oh, right…" Archer winced.

"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory growled.

"It wasn't just me!" Archer protested. "Ray and the others knew too!"

"Thanks a lot!" Ray groaned.

"Oh who the hell cares about Ms. Chatterbox and the rest of the Idiot Brigade?" Mallory snapped. "It's just one more reason to remember to lock them in when I finally decide to burn this agency to the ground!"

"Okay since this is a **family call,"** Ray said. "I'm going to hang up now…"

"Ray! No! NO! Don't leave me with…" Archer protested. Ray simply hung up.

"Some private detective," Ray grumbled. "Man couldn't find a clue if it was pinned on his damn turtleneck!"


End file.
